The · Wine · Monologues

Ok, I feel much better now. I'm glad Victor and I have the type of relationship where we can blow up at each other as business partners and turn around and have a beer as friends. I've dozed off and on all night, and it's now 6:15 AM, and I'm voluntarily awake for no good reason. I feel rested though; probably because for the first time in the last 9 days I'm at home with the prospect of falling asleep in my bed. Now if only there was some way to counteract the tremendous amount of heat my computer generates so I can sleep comfortably... I love my system, but my room is probably a good 5 degrees or more hotter than the rest of the house. But hey, Victor's is probably 10, so I don't have it so bad. I need it to rain. The last 4 times is was supposed to it never did. I have rheumatoid arthritis so when the pressure drops for rain or a storm I want to rip my legs off at the knees bc the pain is excruciating. So when the pressure drops but it doesn't rain I'm in agony for a day or two. Plus everything here is turning brown and so dry. We had enough rain two years ago to make up a 7 year deficit so all the trees dug their roots deep. Now they're dying bc there's not enough water to reach them. I haven't heard from Bisk. I don't really care bc I forgot to test the hyperlinks in the midst of everything going on . Ok, so this is what happened, and it's completely bizarre:

When you're writing code you have browser compatibility issues, largely because IE 6 for Windows doesn't play well with others. Now normally when I write code I can get it right across the board at least by the second try, but two problems came up with this one:
1. I did not have access to IE 6, so I'm relying on screen shots and verbal confirmation from friends with access (Katrina is an angel among men) and
2. I don't know JavaScript well enough to tweak it and get results within minutes.

Now here's the completely bizarre part: My code worked perfectly the first time and only on IE 6. Yes, I'll stop and give everyone time to adjust to that shocking information. I actually had to adjust a piece of my CSS to work on every browser other than IE 6. Then the JavaScript breaks down. So I'm in NY, I've had this assignment for 8 days, been on the road for 3 of them, dealing with funeral arrangements for 2, and laughing at sleep because, hey! who needs it, right? I have no clue what it looks like on IE 6 other than IM's from friends going "the drop down menus don't drop!" Finally Victor informs me that he never figured out how to effectively do drop down menus in JavaScript (this came after the "You don't do anything by halves, do you? Did it occur to you that you could have done a simpler project?" discussion) and by God he will figure it out! So 5:30 Friday morning I sent my project in, complete with working JavaScript. Or I assumed it was working. No one with access was online at the moment.

That's when it hit me that I forgot to test the links. So if I don't get the job I really don't care bc I feel they would be justified in turning me down bc of the amount of time it took to do this, and the links don't work. I think I'm going to indulge in the luxury of a sleeping pill and crash now. 3 weeks of little or no sleep is starting to hit me like a giant hammer playing ping pong with my temples.

So how many times has that subject line been used? I feel like a movie where the director can't decide between stop motion and time stop special effects. One minute life speeds by out of control, the next it stops and I'm the only thing moving. I want to sleep for a month. I want the perfect job to be mine, and I want my boyfriend to put me before his job again. In all reality that's why the idea of relocating doesn't bother me as much as it should. I really don't have anything to lose here.

I feel numb and exhausted. This has been such a bad week. I can't believe it's only Thursday! It feels like three weeks have gone by since Sunday. We spent yesterday cleaning out the house, which was hard for Victor. Due to the emotional stress and lack of sleep everyone feels wrung out and stretched thin. I hope I have something good to post soon because I'm starting to get discouraged again, which is never a good sign.

This is one of those surreal moments when I feel trapped in some horrible rendition of a short story created by WW Jacobs meets Edgar Allen Poe. The potential good that came from this weekend is so overshadowed by the bad that its worth seems irredeemable (is that a word? I think I'm making stuff up again). It's four in the morning, and I'm watching Anime on Toon Disney. My roommate is dozing on the couch; it's the first time he's slept since his mom passed away Sunday. I have to leave at 8 in the morning to go with my boyfriend as he helps his mom take her mother to the hospital. Can I really get 4 hours of sleep and function? Only one way to find out! Watch- I bet everyone who is offering me a job calls me today and wants to have in depth, deeply involved, and intellectual discussions. How well can I bs when on the brink of exhaustion? It'll be nice to get on a regular schedule again. Ok, I'm going to try to take a nap.

While I know agents don't want to give up on a client there comes a point when you have to say "Ok, the job starts in less than 12 hours, I don't think they're calling." So when the agent calls me at 7:00 at night to say "I'm still pushing for you!", I take it as a kind gesture and leave it at that.

I have a lot to do. I have to finish a website redesign, two musical pieces and content, the next two chapters of Java and Javascript, and set up this single malt tasting, and I am trying to spend every waking minute this week with my honey on his one and only vacation.

In exchange for spending time with him I work when he's asleep. Wonder where the title of this one came from? Guess no more!

I want to relax, but I'm too excited. Like I said yesterday, even if I don't get the job in Tampa the response is so encouraging. I know I have a solid resume, and I have experience and education to more than hold my own, but it's so hard to believe a company would want me to work for them. It's funny- I hear this all the time from my friends, and I always tell them they're overreacting and people would be lucky to hire them. Now they have to tell me the same thing!

I think I need coffee- at 8:30 at night. It's been a long week. Ta ta for now!

My, a lot has been going on. It seems that the last two weeks have filled a month or more. After 2 years of freelance contracting I decided enough was enough, and it was time to leave my cave I call home. So I posted my resume on Monster and CareerBuilders. I figured it would take a couple of months at least, no big deal.

So imagine my surprise when I get not one, but three calls within two days of posting! One is here in Atlanta with Coca Cola (they blew off the agency- not holding my breath on that one!), one is in Tampa, and the other call was from a headhunter looking for someone with my skill set in the southeast. So weed out the random "we want your talents" call and Coke and here's where it gets really interesting:

Rich just moved to Tampa with his fiancee and they would love to have me stay with them for a few months while we all get on our feet. After Susan and Aaron get married in June they plan on moving back to the states, and guess where they're first choice is? Tampa! When Aquent first discussed the job with me there was some confusion. I thought it was for Search Engine Optimization (love it!) and it turned out to be for Search Engine Marketing (not so much). After interviewing with them today it turns out they can use me for SEO after all. So imagine, steady reliable income, doing something I feel complete passion and love for, gets me out of the house into the daylight and real world (I know, retract the fangs and put away the cape and coffin), gives me time to pursue my other contracts and education, and I can get Woody out of his dead-end hell-on-earth job! Wow. Nothing's set in stone, but even if it doesn't work out it's encouraging to know that I'm capable of such a great and positive response so fast.

While I love the idea of being my own boss I have to admit there's little set-backs. Like, oh, say the three months straight without a contract bc my biggest client was launching a 25,000 page website and our next biggest client (a bar) was trying to negotiate our services in exchange for a bar tab (ha ha ha, I don't think so, especially since I can't go there bc my boyfriend manages it, and they have a significant other policy!). Or, even after putting in 8 straight hours of work and 5 of studying, sitting there staring at the computer while little voices say "You know you want to finish that code... Go on... You know you want to...!" It's funny. I knew so many people who went down the tubes bc they weren't disciplined enough to work on their own. I just can't stop! I actually feel naked without my laptop open. I named it Blankie.

Ok, so on to other things (see, I can have a life... kind of):
I totally love the Lifetime series Blood Ties. I feel like a complete cradle robber, but Kyle Schmidt is so awesome as a vampire! On the other hand I gave up understanding why people love Laurell K. Hamilton. Her books are so irritating! There's no solid plot line, and even if you try to follow one you get so lost in the tangents you have to go back and try to figure out what the hell's going on. While I understand the sex appeal a good bodice ripper is just as entertaining with less thought process for a lot less money.

Woody got a vacation this week, so we got the Atlanta City Pass. For those of you that don't know this is a phenomenal deal. It only costs $59.00, and gives you front-of-the-line into 6 Atlanta venues. You get the aquarium, CNN center, Coca Cola museum, and High museum and then you can choose between the zoo (love the baby panda- so CUTE!!!) or the history museum and Fernbank or the botanical gardens. On the two option tickets whatever you don't use the ticket for you get a discount by showing the book at the ticket window. The books paid for themselves in one day with the zoo and the aquarium. Oh- and they're good for 9 days after you first use them, and you can buy them at any of the venues. The website also gives great pointers like when to avoid crowds (tip: Tuesday is field trip day at the zoo. From experience DO NOT GO BEFORE 1:00!!! Unless you like being trampled repeatedly).

Ok, I think I caught up enough for now. I've been doing a lot of music stuff lately with my new toy- a midi controller and two new pieces of software. Bwa ha ha... Anyway, I haven't written in a long time. When they asked me today about blogs I realized how remiss I've been. Oops! Ta ta for now!

So my ankle is not broken like I thought which is actually not good news. If it was it would be healed, and I'd be on my way in another week or two. Instead it's sprained badly with torn ligaments, so I'm looking at another 8 months to a year in a brace and combat boots. That's another year of minimal exercise and activity followed by another visit to my orthopedist (yes, I have injured myself enough to warrant my own orthopedist) to determine exactly how much damage all the past injuries have inflicted on this ankle. My dad is married. They were married in Vegas. Her family was there. His found out via email a few days later. All of a sudden I feel like I'm his parent. My kids are fabulously wonderful as always. Victor dragged me out of the house kicking and screaming to experience this phenomena called "a life". Woody is badly overworked and always tired. He looks beaten down, and I hate it. I'm beyond thrilled for Victor and Katrina though. I've never seen the two of them this happy or at peace. It's a wonderful thing. But I love all the programming I'm learning, and I get to set up some scotch and beer tastings at work which will be really cool. Plus the weather cooled down a bit which I liked although I'm very sad about the apple and peach crops. I guess no apple festivals for me this year!

My head hurts, I gained 6 pounds in one day from water retention, and I'm unbelievably cranky. All I want to do is stay in bed all day. I'm currently in a coffee shop working (ish) while sitting across from my roommate, who I am also IM'ing right now. I told him we define anti-socialism in the computer age, and I don't mean the political movement! I need to work so we can get our website up, but all I can think about is the fight I picked with Woody last night. I had exceeded even my record of irritability and irrational anger and completely lashed out at him when I didn't get a response to my IM. Which, of course, was not his fault. It just didn't go through. The fatigue part of the PMS experience just set in. I want to go back to bed, which I will do as soon as I get back home. I wish there was a foul mood indicator.

Katrina and Khai went back home now. Victor is noticably subdued as a result. I also butchered Katrina's hair for which I feel extremely bad! I'm sitting on the porch preparing to work again in hopes that now my creative muse will take pity on me for having to write about such dry, dull, and dusty topics as business plans, organization, and predicting business trends. I'm hungry but I don't know what I want to eat. Ok, if I REALLY wanted to wax poetic I could start comparing my hunger to the hunger of my creative soul and its need to fill the emptiness left by ennui and despair at my financial situation. But that's only if I wanted to. Or I can play on one of the many design programs on my computer or start composing the musical loops for our website. At any rate I think it's time I get to work now. Must buckle down, check my email, avoid bill collectors yet another day, and get this stuff done!

Ah yes, always the die-hard Iron Maiden fan! I had to go to my Dad's yesterday to start fishing through stuff and determine what my brother and I were going to get, plus make arrangements to sell everything else. My brother never showed, and my dad and I had to try to get through some of this ourselves. I'm not going into this right now except to berate myself for never properly grieving like I should have. Anyway, I'm exhausted, can't finish this until March 4, will probably not sleep well until then, and am unbelievably busy. The 80+ hours of work a week combined with dealing with my mom's death and having to face it in the form of her possessions is getting to be a little much. I need a vent.

So I thought my LJ had been deactivated but apparently I just couldn't enter my information. Or maybe it was the browser. I need to check on that. I've been very down lately. Our business is taking off which is very terrifying and exciting. It's exciting the way jumping out of a plane is exciting when you're afraid of heights. I feel like I'm on the edge of an abyss getting ready to move forward but afraid of leaving the safety of the reef. I've been dreaming about people from my past lately. I have a tendency to bottle things up and push it in the back of my mind to cope with later. As a result so much stuff builds up that my subconscious tries to handle it on its own by forcing it out in dreams. My mom has been a big thing. I have to go to Dad's Sunday and get my mom's stuff and whatever furniture, pottery, and tins he wants to get rid of. Richard is meeting me there. Then it all has to go into storage. Dad's marrying a very nice woman he met in December, and he wants to completely move on and past his memories. It makes me sad because I think he's being rash, not just about the marriage, but also his decision to discard his past life. Missie has politely disengaged herself from the rest of the family which also makes me sad. I see people with families who stay close and wonder how they do it. Both sides of my extended family are very estranged and scattered. Richard and I talk from time to time, but we've always been able to be friends without needing to contact each other every day. I got to see Katrina for her birthday. It was a great birthday. She and Victor really hit it off. I'm tickled pink! They are very good for each other. Woody is my cornerstone, lifeline, and wonderful, wonderful contribution to my life and happiness. I wish I could do more for him. I want to do well with work because he invested a lot of money and time into furthering my education and career, and I want to not only repay him but make him proud of me. I love him so much! Ok, now I'm getting mushy so I'm going back to the articles now.

Cheerios and milk!